Working at Loki, I get a lot of free stuff.
I get stuff I can't even USE, but I get it all the same. SuSE sent me their
German distro on DVD, and not only do I not own a DVD drive, but I don't speak
German, either. 3Dfx sends me Voodoo5 cards, and I call them and pretend that
we're an all-Macintosh shop, so then they send me new Intel boxes to try the
cards in. They fall for that every time; they really embody the best spirit of the
Linux movement. Microsoft sends me software. I used to stack those discs on
top of the ones from AOL, but the pile grew so big that it became a safety
hazard. We now hand those CD-ROMs out to homeless people as drink coasters
down at the local Goodwill.
The true beauty of the free stuff that gets sent to me is that it almost
always has a valid serial number included. This means that when the stuff
inevitably doesn't work, I can skip the hopeless trolling of IRC channels and
DejaNews. It's my "get out of HOWTO jail free" card. That's right: free tech
support, baby. Suck it down.
The tech support crew at Loki was irked by my mention of their profession's
suicide rate in last month's article. They felt I was poking fun at a difficult
ocupation that doesn't get enough respect in the first place. Fair enough. I
decided that some research was in order, so I set out to gain a better
understanding of how tech support functions in this brave new world of 30
year-old technology.
With a handful of valid serial numbers from all my free stuff, I proceded to
contact a bunch of tech support divisions. These calls are handled by people
that are passionate about their products, and they are trained to handle
confused callers that want to be just as passionate, but can't be because the
junk doesn't work. Below are some of the transcripts from these conversations.
Please note that I've changed the names of the companies and individuals
to protect the innocent.
My first plan was to be fair in all things; I wanted to allow time for the
tech crews to give a reasoned response to my questions that best represented
their employer. I concluded that communication by email was the most
fair path for investigative journalism. To avoid special treatment due to
my email address, I made one up.
Email #1, September 19th, 2000.
From: Michael Ignacious Pucknut
To: support@healickscode.com
hi`
does yuor program run on windows me? im really looking forward to runing
it, since that penguin thing is so kewl what's the heck is a RPM is that
like an MP3?? i cant get them to play in winAmp so they must be what that
l337 new linux tehcnology is for oh, i fownd this kewl ftp site with a bunch
of mp3s and stuf but i need a passwrod to get in can you help me hack it?
thanks for help
lol,
--mikey.
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
...I sent that on the 19th, and I haven't gotten a reply yet. I can't imagine
why, unless the support crew installed the jeffk filter on their inboxes. After
waiting a few days, I decided that a more confrontational approach was all
that would help me get some good content before deadline. It was time to break
the golden rule of Geekdom; I actually took the phone line out of my modem and
stuck it back in the phone. As I blew the dust off the receiver, I chose my
next target.
Call #1, September 26th, 2000.
[ring.]
Tech: "MaleDrake tech support, may I have your product serial number?"
Ryan: "Sure, it's [xxxxxxxxxxx]."
Tech: "Thanks! What is troubling you today?"
Ryan: "May I start off by saying I love your accent?"
Tech: "Merci! I am so French! Ho ho ho!"
Ryan: "Riiiiight."
Tech: "What was your question?"
Ryan: "Does your product run on Red Hat?"
Tech: "Excuse moi?"
Ryan: "Red Hat. Does it run on Red Hat?"
Tech: "MaleDrake Linux does NOT use any RPMs from Red Hat, monsieur."
Ryan: "What?"
Tech: "We are our own distribution!"
Ryan: "What's a distribution?"
[obvious sigh comes over the phone line.]
Tech: "Red Hat is a distribution of the GNU/Linux system. It's a collection
of software that makes up an operating system."
Ryan: "Like MacOS is an operating system?"
Tech: "Precisely."
Ryan: "So your product runs on ... MacOS?"
Tech: "Uh, no."
Ryan: "What, just that new MacOS X Server? I keep hearing about 'X Servers'
when people talk about Red Hat, so I figured that might be important."
Tech: "No no no...an 'X server' is a means of showing graphics."
Ryan: "Oh, yeah...that's the new Microsoft API for multimedia stuff...they
have a DirectX SERVER now? Is that like Windows NT verses NT Server?"
[Another sigh. Some sort of French curse word. A gunshot. Thud.]
Ryan: "Hello? Hello? The guys at Red Hat said you were all just a bunch of
dirty hippies; is that true? Hello?"
[There's a few minutes of silence, then a different dirty hippie picks up the
reciever.]
Tech2: "Hello?"
Ryan: "Er...hi."
Tech2: "You need something?"
Ryan: "Is that guy alright?"
Tech2: "Who, Jacques? Oh, he's dead."
Ryan: "What?!"
Tech2: "Yeah, killed himself. Happens all the time. Did you have a question?"
Ryan: "I...uh, no. Thanks. Jacques pretty much confirmed what I already
thought."
Tech2: "Thanks for calling the MaleDrake technical support lines!"
[click.]
So there you go. High suicide rate. I just never imagined that workman's comp
would be an issue.
I had to be fair and call the "bad guys," too.
Call #2, September 27th, 2000
[ring.]
Tech: "Macroshaft tech support, may I have your product serial number?"
Ryan: "Uh...let's see...I've got that around here somewhere...please hold."
[At this point, I turn on a Jimmy Buffett MP3 and hold the phone up to my
speakers. I let 'em sweat it out for a few minutes.]
Ryan: "Still there?"
Tech: "Uh, yes."
Ryan: "Good! My serial number is 9-3-5-2-1-8-2-4-7-3-2."
Tech: "You're two digits short."
Ryan: "I am? Oh...let me ask /dev/urandom again..."
Tech: "Dev Urandom?"
Ryan: "Yeah. That's my manager. Uh, He's Indian."
Tech: "Oh, ok."
Ryan: "Zero. Eight."
Tech: "Thank you. What seems to be the problem?"
Ryan: "Well this is the darndest thing. I'm using your operating system, and
it comes up to this screen asking for an offering. What should I do?"
Tech: "It's asking for you to insert a disc?"
Ryan: "No, it wants an offering."
Tech: "There's an advertisement? I don't understand."
Ryan: "I'm telling you, your product is asking for an offering."
Tech: "Could you read your screen for me, word for word?"
Ryan: "Should I start at the top left?"
Tech: "Yes."
Ryan: "Say please."
Tech: "Excuse me?"
Ryan: "Say please. I thought tech support people were supposed to be like
super-courteous and stuff."
Tech: "Oh, right, sorry. PLEASE read your screen."
Ryan: "From the top left?"
Tech: "YES FROM THE TOP LEFT...er, please."
Ryan: "Ok. The whole screen is blue, and it says, 'An exception zero-dee has
occurred at zero-zero-two-eight-colon-cee-zero-zero-three-cee-seven-two.
It may be possible to continue normally. Press any key to attempt to
continue. Or make an offering to The Unholy Lord Satan to get your
spreadsheet back."
Tech: "What?"
Ryan: "I said, 'An exception zero-dee has...'"
Tech: "No no no, go back to that part about the offering."
Ryan: "...or make an offering to The Unholy Lord Satan to get your spreadsheet
back?"
Tech: "Is this a joke?"
Ryan: "I just want to know what SORT of offering The Unholy Lord Satan would
like. Is this a chicken blood sort of event or do I need to round up
some virgins?"
Tech: "Did Bill put you up to this?"
Ryan: "I mean, I can go to the supermarket, but I have to admit, this is
a little unorthodox..."
[click.]
Since I'm on an operating system kick, I thought I'd round this out with one
more phone call:
Call #3, September 28th, 2000.
[ring.]
Tech: "Red Cap tech support, may I have your product serial number?"
Ryan: "Yes, it's [xxxxxxxxxxx]."
Tech: "Thank you. What's your trouble today?"
Ryan: "Well, see, I've got this Nvidia GeForce card in my machine, and I'm
trying to get Quake 3 to run with it, but I'm getting like one frame
every five seconds."
Tech: "Uh huh."
[pause.]
Ryan: "Uh, yeah. I'm using XFree86 version 3.3.6 with the default installed
libGL.so."
Tech: "Right."
[beat.]
Ryan: "And...libc 5.1."
[more silence.]
Ryan: "And, uh...I ran 'su -c "rm -rf /"' this morning. Any idea what's wrong?"
Tech: "Wow...that could be just about anything."
Ryan: "What should I do?"
Tech: "Why don't you try cramming it in your ear?"
Ryan: "Excuse me?"
Tech: "You heard me."
Ryan: "Cram it in...my...?"
Tech: "Ear. Cram it in your ear. Look, we're Red Cap. We could care less
about your stupid little problems."
Ryan: "But as a customer I'm entitled to..."
Tech: "As a customer, you're an ***hole. **** you."
[silence.]
Ryan: "So, did you get beat up in grade school a lot?"
[click.]
There is a lot of lessons to learned from these interactions. If nothing else,
here are a few maxims you should walk away from today's article with:
- "lol" is ALWAYS an appropriate signature for any email, or anywhere else
you just need a word. It is a lot like digital spackle for an
internet-connected world.
- Plug the modem back in. If you didn't get the social skills by the time you
need to make a phone call, it's way too late, so it's just not worth losing
sleep over it now.
- Harrassing Microsoft in a fictional scene guarantees you web hits.
- If you don't have a valid serial number, it's always worth the attempt to
fake it. You've got nothing to lose, and hey, probability states that
there's at least a slight chance you might stumble upon a valid one.
- A penny saved is a penny earned; forego your tech support rights and
download the ISOs for free, even if they come from comp.warez.linux.binaries.
Then you will have more money to spend on important things, like a lifetime
supply of Slim Jims.
- All tech support employees complain that they hate their jobs. They are just
being overdramatic. If they didn't LOVE their work, they could get better
pay, more respect, and a sense of upward mobility at any number of Burger
King franchises across the country. So feel free to challenge them; as the
voice on the "hold" recording always says, your call IS important to them!
You can send Ryan free stuff at icculus@lokigames.com, but it better be good.